The Beautiful Panic.com

The catholic church and it’s “cool progressive pope” are desperate for media attention, and have issued a bullshit non apology. For those unaware, there is a newly mandated attitude towards tolerating civil union marriages for same sex couples. It comes, as usual; out of the blue, irrelevant to the current climate, and inconsequential to most outside of their community.

The church remains completely out of touch and behind the times in it’s reciprocity to the Times up generation, AKA “The Online lynch mob”.

Dear Vatican; My name is Andy Estrada, and I wanna be your publicist. If I fix your image, I want my fifty million dollars.

First:
The New Testament was written around 100 AD. At that time, societies were complex. I would argue that they were so different, yet intelligent, that they had a completely alien perspective to the verses. Knowing what we know of them Romans. Their  progressive society loved complicated story telling. They told real stories.(Those fucking tunic wearing perverts.) I think my proposal will has a good standing.

We retell the original narrative. Using the original scripture.

AGAIN!: No one can know(with absolute certainty)  in what context a culture two millennia removed, saw the verses of the New Testament.

I propose a complete revamping of the main character in the narrative of the new testament, the one that might have existed worlds ago. I think the story of Jesus might have also been about redemption.

(Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me.)

There is plenty evidence that Jesus was a EVEN more compelling character than people realize. Now keep in mind, Rome was a very progressive society. If you read the New Testament without knowing the end. Read it without any pre informed biases. Hot off the presses, new book. The New Testament? That might be a good read, in’nit? Never read the first one.

We’ll find that Jesus was kind of a dick. This is the end of Matthew 13:13, it’s about why he speaks in parables.:

“…because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.”

In the context of the book, some apostles were exhibiting doubts. Jesus basically explains that no one would understand the divine knowledge without him dumbing it down. Calling everybody a dumbshit. And yes he fucking does! Don’t give me that: (Read in southern accent.) “Even the concept of what he was s-s-saying dumbfounded those poor little savage fuckers!” (Fat fucking southern preacher with his fucking crossed eyes, sweating and shit!)

He was patronizing those people; and that’s okay, nobody is perfect. We lean more into that! We concentrate on new, right? We skip all that apocalypse stuff. Outta here with that! (For now.) It’s too localized. Israel and all that “this is gonna happen with that Mid East country, and whateverthafuck. That region already has enough to deal with. AND NO! We won’t just give JESUS geography lessons, silly!

How about him kinda being a dick to his disciples. He be dissin his crew by callin them stuff like;(I hate myself right now.) ACTS 4:13 ” unlearned and ignorant men.” Tame by today standards, but back then! Let’s put it this way, I don’t think they just stood there with that fucking Goofy face. The one where he’s standing there drooling while someone is verbally shitting on him.

No? Not juicy enough? Alright…

I’ve already covered his bible appropriate overt racism in the first part of this series. He was a beautiful SandJew and many times only expressed love for others of the Judean race. (I say that first word again and I’ll probably be murdered in my sleep.)

Did you know he was a fan of eunuchs? In fact; Jesus respected their lifestyle so much, one of his disciples points out the fact that Jesus’ convoluted rules on conventional sex makes one consider becoming a eunuch.
MATTHEW 19:9-21-

“If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry”

That’s funny and random, no? No I’m insinuating that Jesus was a gay! Would that be such a bad thing, though? It would. So that’s a no for gay Jesus. Alright, I can see you’re not digging any of that yet. I’ll stop picking on Christ now. I’ll just leave you with a parting thought on this issue. I contend that I am not the first to suggest a radical change to Jesus’ image, I believe one has already been implemented.

Even though he is the son of the creator of everything, his scope on many ideological issues is still conveniently narrow. Encountering, yet having no opinion on practices that would cause millions to suffer for thousands of years after. The famous scene where he preaches that “he who is without sin, shall cast the first stone”, for example:

He stops a group of men from stoning a woman who’s only crime was having pre marital sex; they called it adultery. The man involved in the crime was facing no punishment. Jesus missed his opportunity to save millions of others by not bringing attention to the unfair treatment towards women. I would think that someone with the divine knowledge would see the future benefits of suggesting women be treated equally.

He also knew of slaves and their brutalization; neither of which seemed very wrong to our savior. The concept of a monarchy conveniently didn’t bother him either. Jesus having no criticisms on said subjects conspicuously benefitted generations of bigotry and authoritarian rule.

Granted, he elected to tackle subjects like the end of the world. Which he said would happen in the lifetime of the people physically there, listening to him. Dude was pulling demons out of people and putting it in like eighty pigs, and the pigs ran off into a lake and drowned. Owner was probably like WTF fam.

He ultimately gave his life for us. He could’ve been wrong about coming back. He did it anyway. No matter his faults, he sacrificed his life for us. If that doesn’t redeem a person’s past mistakes, I don’t what would.
Moving on.

SECOND:
Give your shit away for free. Offer salvation to any and everyone. Regardless if they already have a religion, if they don’t believe in god, if they accepted Jesus as their messiah. Make an announcement that baptism, or attendance, or repentance is no longer necessary to get into heaven.

The transactional nature of salvation always bothered me. It’s like you’re being chased by a serial killer and Superman flies down. But, before he saves you, he asks if you worshipped him recently, or went to his party on Sunday. If you didn’t comply with these requirements, he’ll let the killer rape and murder you. What the fuck is that?!

Make everyone an honorary Christian, Catholic, or Saved person. It’ll kill two birds with one stone. Forgiving everyone, no questions asked; gives the added benefit of forgiving those in your own camp, without it seeming like special treatment.

Alright Pope Francis. Get to work on these two. I’ll come up with some more ideas.

Good talk.