The Beautiful Panic.com

My greatest sacrifice is being that asshole that is unwilling to make any sacrifices. I was angry with everyone around me. I felt that my childhood and innocence were treated like that little white ball in roulette. My parents were gambling with my fate and the ball kept alternating between neglect and instability. The consequences of the neglect I don’t talk about. The instability was typical.

When I was 5 my dad was deported for trying to smuggle 70 pounds of Marijuana through the Arizona border with my uncle. My dad used to tell me stories about my uncle’s grimy mentality. Straight ODB energy, he would be pushing weight and still go get the packs of food stamps for his four kids as to not arouse suspicion. My dad says dude was swimming in foodstamps. They had the bright idea to take me and my mom with them on this international drug smuggling business trip. We served the same purpose as the foodstamps.

The first time I talked to my mom about it as an adult, she swore I couldn’t possibly remember that day. When I mentioned the orange van with the brown or maroon carpeting, she was shocked and a little amused. When I mentioned sitting on her lap on the blue plastic chairs that were bolted to the wall, the white glossy paint on the cinder blocks and the blue door with the little window that my disappeared into- directly next to us, she started tearing up.

My mom tried to convince my dad to jump the border. But he had never done it before. He immigrated legally during the Reagan years. Apparently middle class workers were worked up about something. And the people pulling the political strings convinced Reagan to relax the immigration process so that companies could have an abundance of cheap labor. That’s besides the point. He wanted to wait out the ten year penalty and live the single life for a while.

At times, my mom either couldn’t afford or was too overwhelmed to raise all three of her children. When we were struggling financially, we would move around from place to place. A new school every year. I had to get used to never getting too attached to any friends I had made. Then she found a semi-steady job as a temporary worker at a food packaging plant and during the busy season she would have to work 16 hour days, 6 to 7 days a week to be considered worthy of a permanent position. She did this for a couple of years. I was causing a lot of problems at school so I would be occasionally shipped off to live with relatives.

As I grew up with people coming in and out of my life, including the people who were supposed to raise me, I started to isolate. Became selfish. Became entitled. Did nothing in school. Why would I? I don’t fucking matter to anyone. Felt no responsibility to take some initiative so I could help my mom in the future. To make sure she doesn’t have to work when the lifetime of working hard hours caught up with her. I sacrificed her to my anger.

I got married to a nice girl from a small town. We had two kids. When she started pushing me to sacrifice my immaturity for the good of the family, I sacrificed our marriage. I cheated on her.

I’m still playing Russian roulette with my sons financial well-being. Unable to sacrifice my impetuous spending habits and my flippant attitude towards a future in any workplace. I’m on my twelfth job and never once been promoted because they know that I don’t care enough about the company’s operations or interests.

Sometimes I think it’s too late to change. Sometimes I know I have to. But I can’t bring myself to sacrifice the old me.

To whoever made it to the end, thank you for reading this. Peace and love.